so, basically, i love this one guy that's in a couple of my classes. he's so adorable. i think he's a homo, but i think that about everyone. i bet a billion dollars he's straight, i just wish he wasn't. but yeah, every now and then, we have our little glances across the room, you know? well... today... we were in government and when i looked over in his general area, he turned kind of me to and like, stared at me for like 5 seconds... count that in your head, that's so akward... ha. then i get to second hour and he looks again... twice. oh geez. i'm probably just fooling myself, but that doesn't change the fact the he's amazingly gorgeous (; so, he's #1 crush lately. names shouldn't even be said, who knows who's reading this :\ but it's so cute how he's always playing with his hair and stuff. that was my dead give away that i thought he was gay... i mean, he shops at A&F, he highlights his hair and ANY guy who does that with short hair knows that it hurts like hell when you don't use tin foil. and he plays with his hair... hmm... let's think about all of this... oh, and he plays soccer... talk about the gay man sport, seriously. seriously, i'm not trying to be stereotypical, but... oh well. so, i definitely want him to like, ask me out. it would make my life. it was weird, the other day, i was sitting at madie's desk while we decided how we wanted to make our "collage" for our architecture assignment and i heard a song. no biggie, right? i mean, everyone plays music in this class... but no, it was you know who, playing a song that was like, i don't know, symbolism to me. it was jack johnson's "sitting, waiting, wishing." okay, let us re-cap the lyrics to that song, shall we?

must i always be waitin, waitin on you?
must i always keep playin, playin your fool?

go to www.songmeanings.net and read what the meanings of that song are... i think you'll find that this whole thing isn't just a coincidence. well, at least i don't think so... but anyway, that's about it on my boy life at the moment.

oh, there's this guy that contaced me on myspace and he like, wants to go on a date with me... but, you know, i don't like meeting people off the net. i can't believe i ever did it, it's so desperate. but i dunno. he's way older than me, too. he's like 22. and he's saying things like, "you don't have to tell your mom...".... well... what the hell am i going to tell her whenever i go out?  i can't lie to her! durrr. the whole thing is just stupid. of course i won't go on a date with him, but the thought had crossed my mind like 2 times. but no thanks. at the moment i like to be alone, thinking about mr.adorable.

alright, that's basically all i have to report at the moment. thanks for listening to my short (compaired to the last 3) novel!

much love,
ryan.

so, basically, i have no life anymore... i work 24 hours this week. i've worked tuesday, wednesday, and i work today and tomorrow. all of those work days are 3-930, so, that basically means that i don't have much of a life. and it's a LOT of work, too. i mean, yeah, i'd rather be doing grocery than bagging, but still, i have to unload trucks of milk and frozen food that i can't even pull! it's so taking a toll on me, emotionally and physically. i hurt in various places and i really just want to relax for a while. my friend, stephanie, told me i should just not work until school is out and just get a summer job so i can get my grades up, but the problem is that i owe my mum 25$ a week for my piano payments... and i don't want to have to make up 3 weeks of payments, you know? i just need a new job! i want one that i can actually use talent for. something that doesn't deal with food... i swear, i cannot fathom how hard it is working in food places. i really want to work at a music store or something so that i can use talent. i just hate food, you don't even understand. my life is gone, my grades are down, and i can't even see my friends.

i know that i shouldn't even be talking to stacy, but... well, yesterday, i IMed him. here's the convo:

me: "so, are we done or what?" 
stacy: "what do you mean?"
me: "you know what i mean..."
stacy: "well... i think we should be... but i still want to be your friend."
me: "stacy, i don't want to be your internet buddy."
stacy: "why?"
me: "stacy, my friends, almost all of them, have told me to stay away from you, that i shouldn't even be talking to you."
stacy: "why?"
me: "because, they just don't like you. they think that after what happened that you're just a jerk."
stacy: "oh... oh well."
me: [five minutes later after no response] "fine, i'm done. whatever"
me: "and... i'm sorry... sorry you ever found me, sorry you couldn't see me the only time i coul see you, even when you say it's not your fault, i still don't care, i'm sorry that you have to be so stubborn."

then i signed off. well, i waited for a response, but... i never got one... he's such a dick. i'm so retarted. WHY do i always do this?

"how many times have i done this to myself? how long will it take before i see? when will this hole in my heart be mended? who now is left alone but me?"

ugh. i just feel like crying so badly right now. tears are basically welling up in my eyes right now, but i'm in school. i can't cry. ugh. i was so warned about this, and i just set myself up like i always do. do i like hurting myself? should i just stay away from boys from now on? god damnit, i'm so ANGRY! when will i learn? it's always the same thing over and over and over. my life is just a cycle of shit that i can't even take. school, work, people. ugh. i swear, i just can't work anymore, i'm not emotionally or physically strong enough to handle things right now. i just wish that i never bought that piano. then i wouldn't have to worry about a job. i wouldn't need to be paying money for the rest of my life. there is basically no peace in my life anymore. i miss the days of lying under the sun in the summer, having no cares at all. not worrying about anything but what i was going to do the next day. now my days are full of drama, pain, and work.

"where has my heart gone? i want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all..."

i really do. i just want to be a kid again and not worry about all of this. i HATE it all. i would give anything to go back to being so naive and innocent. i want to just be free. i'm trying so hard to stay alive right now. that's not what a normal teenager should be worrying about. i really think something's wrong with me :(

save me.

ryan.

wow. what a weekend. it started out nice. on friday, my dad took me out of school at about a quater to 12 to go see x-men, the last stand. it thought it was really great. i really love those movies. i always get in that mode on the way home "what if i could do that?!" but, to be honest, i think we all are capable of those kinds of things. we just don't realize it. it's hidden in our unconscious. to be honest, (i don't want to sound like a freak), but i have to say, i've tried to be intact with those "powers" when i was wiccan. i think i have to say that i would be more of a psychic type of "mutant." things happen whenever i think of them. like, i'm sure you think you understand, but no one really does. unless you're like me ;) i'm just really in-touch with my inner self and my unconscious. (i know, that made no sense)

so, here's my weekend, saturday:
on saturday, i was schedualed to work from 3-930. ugh, there was no way i was going to work,  really just needed a break, you know? so, at about 7 in the morning, when i couldn't sleep anymore, i called kroger and told them i'd been throwing up and that i have food poisoning. (lies) but it worked. it got me off for the day. i got to clean my room, i washed all of my clothes, i washed my sheets, made more space in my room and dusted a bit. it felt nice to be a little cleaner, you know? i felt like i could breathe better. i thought about getting a new job for a while now, so i decided to take a trip up to milford music to see if they'd hire for anything. well, they were closed. for the memorial weekend. oh well. i can try again. but when i went home, my mum was telling me how she hates to see me depressed. i was really under the weather about the whole stacy thing. i was supposed to meet him sunday. (we'll get to that) she told me when i walked upstairs that one day, she wants to hear me really talk to her about what's going on with me lately. yeah, most of it was stacy and me being alone. but to make me feel better, she wanted to go see a movie, so she asked me if i wanted to see x-men 3 again, because she knew i wanted to and she loves those mutant men ;) so, we went to the movies around 130, then we went to target and i got my aviators! yay! i love them. i saw a person from work there, but she'll keep her mouth shut if she knows what's good for her ;) after that, i got my hair cut. yay! i feel so refreshed so far.

sunday:
well, i woke up at about 930. feeling like summer, nothing to worry about. i thought it would be nice to go to church with my mum. she likes when i go. and there just happens to be a very beautiful grand piano there. i usually play it after the service. so, after a very short service (they used to seem like an eternity), i played the piano and played all of my recital/talent show song/piece. my mum sat on the steps of the stage while i played and people would walk up to her and ask if i was her son. she was on such the ego trip, you could tell, heh. she was saying "he's only had five lessons and his first recital is in june" and one man said "first????" hah. he said it sounded like i'd been playing for years. i guess i picked a good instrument to play :) but after church, i went to check my schedual. it's not too bad, the only think i don't like is having to leave school the second it ends to get home and change and leave. i work 24 hours this week. that should make for a hefty paycheck! mmm. i work in different departments all this week, too. frozen food today, dairy tomorrow, and something else the rest of the week. as long as i'm not bagging or carting! but after that, i was relieved that i didn't have to work on sunday, so my mum asked me if i wanted to go to dimitri's coney island for some breakfast. that was really nice. we got a chance to talk. (btw, i told her about stacy at church and how that's why i'm depressed) so, we talked about him and other things. we had some coffee and got great breakfasts. after that, i realized that stacy might have been calling me and i forgot my cell phone at home... so when we left and got home, i checked my cell phone and i had a missed call from him. (this is where the drama starts)

sunday(drama part):
i dropped my mum off at her storage unit so she could clean it out. she said she'd walk home after because it's not even a quater of a mile from our house. so, i left for the mall. i had called stacy before i left to see if he was going to meet me there, but no answer at his aunts and he wasn't at his house. his cell phone is out of service, too. so, i get to the mall around 3, and i was sitting in the lot wondering... how will he ever get a hold of me of he can or can't go? oh no... i called my best friend, amanda, to see what she was doing so maybe she could occupy me while i waited. well, it turns out that she was at the mall, too! so, i went inside and found her. she ditched her bro and his girlfriend for me so they could be alone. i told her i'd drive her home later. so, i told her i was here to meet stacy and she said that was cool. we walked about and goofed off like always, we're so funny. it seemed like hours of fun, i even forgot it was waiting for stacy. so, at about 430, amanda and i called stacy and he said that his brother has had the car all day... i told him that he should have saved his own car so that he could use it. he told me that his mum said his brother didn't have to give it back... UGH! so, he told me he'd call me when he gets the car and he's on the way. it was about 530 when amanda and i decided to go to Abercrombie&Fitch so i could try on some shirts, but not buy them; i had no money! i was waiting for stacy to buy me clothes ;) he's a millionaire! but okay, so, after trying on clothes, we sat in the lounge area when i realized that the mall closes at 6 on sundays! ugh! so, we were about to leave and i called stacy one more time... no answer. damnit! so, i asked this really cute abercrombie employee, "have you ever been stood up?" and he widened his eyes and asked "are you getting stood up?! that's terrible!" and we talked about how amanda and i have been waiting all day. he was really nice about it. SO cute - he always askes me for help when i go there. so, we were about to leave and amanda dared me to hug him, but i didn't because i was too scared to ask, LOL. and all of his working friends (girls) were around him. so, i thought he might not notice if i slipped out. he hollered after me, "hey!.... good luck!" and i just looked back and smiled and said "thanks :)" so, i walked out pissed and threw my keys. i could hear all the people back in the store go "aww!!!" 
   i sat down on the ground next to a pillar, still with mr.abercrombie in my sights. i told her i should forget stacy and ask that guy out. i really should have, too. stacy just isn't right for me, i had to learn. (SORRY CHELSEA!) so, we sat there until they closed and then we sat outside and waited to see if maybe that guy would walk out and i could ask him out... but we waited til about 640, but no show. so, i told her we should go to Fountain Walk and sit at the fountain. so, we did. i called stacy, no answer at his aunts, and no, he's not at his house. i called about 4 times... i never got a hold of him. so, i told amanda, "i'm SICK of this... let's go" she knew i was getting irritated and i knew that she was bored just sitting there. so, we decided to go to her house and we sat around watching salad-fingers online and myspacing and ebaumsworld-ing. it was fun. then we made fun of her drunk parents' and friends. it was all good fun. we listened to dumb songs her bother owns. then we decided to go on a walk. that's when we called stacy. he said that his brother still had the car and that he was really sorry... i was so pissed. the least he could have said was "hey, i can't hang out today, it's getting late and i know i wouldn't be able to get there in time..." that would have made me feel better than him just not calling at all, you know? ugh, what a dick. so, i let him go. he said he'd call me back later tonight. i believed him because he always calls back. ALWAYS... 
   so, at about 1030, i left amanda's to go home. i was getting tired and she was getting up early to hang out with her boyfriend tomorrow. so... i get home and waited... and waited... and waited... do you  think my cell phone rang at all that night? nope... god damnit...

monday:
so, i wake up feeling a little better. my mum felt sorry for me because she knew i wanted to see him. psh, the only time i can, he lets me down. and this was more of his idea. what a waste. so, i woke up and played piano for a while and basically did nothing for a really long time. i went online a few times and such. my mum wanted to know if i wanted to go to her friends' cousin's house for a little get-together. we got there at about 530 and it was tres boring. so, stacy called me and i talked to him about yesterday and he just kept making up excuses... i told him i waited all night for him to call... and he said "oh... i went 'out'..." psh whatEVER. so, i had enough of his excuses and i told him "you know, you're different..." and he laughed and said "everyone says that..." and i said, "not in that way, i meant... nevermind." and he said "what do you mean then?" and i told himd nothing... so, like always, someone needed the phone, so he was like "i'll call you back later, kay?"and i said "you don't have to..." and he was like "well.. if you want me to, i will, but if not... i have to go..." so i said "don't bother..." and hung up... so, that's all i've heard from him since then. so, after this little shin-dig was over, my mum took me home. she dropped me off because she wanted to go to someone elses little party. so, i went home and talked to this guy that kept messaging me on myspace. so, we talked about music and stuff... i got the notion that was like, 18, but when i asked, he said he was 22... it was kind of weird, but it's okay, we weren't talking about, you know, "stuff." so, we talked about music and such and careers and all that. he said he'd like to hear me play piano sometime. yeah, right, that'll never happen, he lives in royal oak.. haha. so yeah... that was basically my night after he left. i practiced piano and picked out clothes for today. so, that's all that's really happening in my life at the moment.. stupid boys, better ones, and stuff. "poop" ;) so, i know i forgot a BUNCH more stuff, but i'm sure i'll remember and type my sequal in few days ;)

thanks for listening!

muchlove,
ryan.

so, yeah... it's basically been like, a thousand years since i've posted in this blog... sorry to those who read up on my daily life. it's just been so hectic! with all the boy drama (aka not having any) and piano business... i usually write in my myspace blog now, but my parents kind of read it, so, i can't exactly go into detail about my life, you know? they usually question me about them at dinner and stuff... whatever. so, i just found out yesterday at piano lessons that there is a recital on june 12th.... yes, this june. i'm excited because i didn't think i'd be able to have one until at least around next christmas. but now that i know all of give unto me, my teacher asked me if i would like to perform it in the show, so i told her i definitely would. i'm performing at a brighton church. i can't wait, but i'm also really nervous... i don't want to do it in front of so many people. the recital has whoever is going to perform, then all the people that they want to invite... so, there's going to be a hefty amount of people there... i'll get over it, all i need is some practice.

so, yeah... the boy thing... well... i dated this one guy, stacy, a long time ago, like, back in september. and about a month ago, we started talking again. he told me about how he'd been dating this one guy for a really long time now, but suspected him of cheating... so, he said ever since then, he couldn't stop thinking about me... ugh. well, the truth was, i was kind of thinking a lot about him too at the time. so, one day while he was online, we started talking. the next thing i knew, we were on the phone and he was already calling me his boyfriend and saying things like "Baby" and all of those sweet, relationship type of things... so, after a while of tollerating those words, i had to say something. i mean, i told him from the beginning, i don't want to start dating him unless i can see him again, you know? i don't just wanna pick up on the phone... so, i had  let him know that. but, i guess he forgot. so, when i told him about it, he was like "Well, you never said anything or had a problem with this, i've called you my boyfriend and you didn't say anything..." and i was like "well... i told you from the beginning..." you know? well, he like, stopped talking to me for like 3 weeks and i was kind of distraught. so, he just IMed me the other day saying that him and his old boyfriend were dating again... but that he still wanted to be with me. i was so like... blah, you know? okay, i think you need to know this frist before we go even MORE into detail...

when we dated back in september, we go to the point to telling each other we "loved" each other... except he really meant it... but, i kind of said it back out of fear for him leaving if i didn't love him, you know? well... that's what ended the whole thing when i came out to him about it. but... when we were talking just last friday, i told him that he should just forget all about me and that i'm not worth it, especially if he's dating randy again (randy is his other boy, obviously) but after a while of crying about this, he said that he still loved me... i cried even harder now, i mean, i know he couln't possibly love me, we weren't even together that long... but, maybe love just comes to certain people more or faster than others, you know? well... i still don't really believe him that much, but he says he wants to prove it to me... so, i think this saturday, i might be going to the mall to meet him and see what's going on.

i'm really worried... he had pictures of his boyfriend on his myspace that were saying things like "this is the love of my life, i love you, randy." i asked him about it and he was like "ryan, that's why i have to see you, i still want you, but i think i'm falling in love with randy..." and i know if he doesn't want me anymore, i'll get jealous and all depressed like i always do. so, i might as well just meet up with him this weekend to see what's up, because i mean, i can't be alone forever. it's killing me! i don't want stacy just for the sake of having someone by my side, but for the sake of someone who is stronger than me and can take care of me, because i know he can. i know it sounds corny, but i just think that maybe he really can show me what love is. i came to the conclusion that i don't really know what it is, i've never been in love before outside of family matters, you know? but... he's so intouch with love, i think maybe, (after some time, of course), that he could show me how to love, understand it, and love him... the thing is... i don't know if i'm ready for love. i think that is the one thing that's been scaring me from it all. i'm just too afraid to be hurt again... i've learned my lesson of saying "i love you" when i don't about 3 or 4 times now... i really just can't keep doing this, it's not only hurting me, but most cetainly the peope i do it to... i've gotta get out of this mess...

this entry is really long, but i need it. build-up, you know... besides, i know a certain someone who is probably reading the whole thing right now ;) yeah, i know you read this [blows kiss] ;) but yeah... i definitely need to pick up on my grades... i might have to take Government over again... the only way i can pass is to somehow ask someone to give me a copy of a recent meeting report and put my name on it... i also need to write a letter... i also didn't do my human behavior homework, math, and anything else that might have been assigned to my unconcious mind. ugh... i've been trying so hard in math right now, too. i keep getting 100% on my assignments and everything, but right when i understand it all, we learn something that i just can't comprehend, you know? and my human behavior project is worth about 75-80 points... well, i think if i have the time here in architecture, i might as well do it, you know? especially if i have the time and need the points. let's try and do well in school and get a boyfriend!

thank you for listening,

much love,
ryan.

just a
melody
   Alright, this is the second time I am going to attemp to write this entry! I wrote a whole novel in second hour and when I went to save it as a draft, I didn't give it a title... then I Exed out the box! I can hardly remember all the things I talked about, especially that it is about 10 hours later and I've had a lot more happen. Here we go.
   Okay, Wednesday was the day my piano was to be delivered. I told Amanda that she should come over so that we could both admire my new piano... That was probably a bit of a problem. We took her and myself home and my piano was all set up in my bedroom when I walked in the door! How exciting! So, I knew there would be one problem that I didn't think of... Whenever I play the piano, Amanda gets annoyed. Which is kind of what happened. But, we did other fun things, too; like play this word game and we watched some of Wedding Crashers. It's got some funny parts. So, after she went home, it was piano city for my fingers until about 1130 at night. 
   So, I worked all weekend, which really took a toll on my body and mind. I had to work 11-330 on Saturday, and after that, Chelsea, Madie and I all hung out like we planned earlier in the week. It was fun, I picked up Chelsea and we headed over to Madie's where we went to Madie's room and hung out, talking about whatever it is that we teenagers like to talk about. Then we headed downstairs for some piano time! Hehe. Then there was a bit of Mulin Rouge! After THAT, we went to this restaraunt that Madie is just head-over-heals for. It's called Buon Gusto? I think. It was a really nice, yet VERY cheap Itallian restaraunt. I got a whole meal and dessert for under 10 dollars! Despite rumors that the cashier did not add on my drink to the bill... [ahem] Hehe. After that, I pretty much headed home, I had a long day of work the next day! I had to work 930a-530p. That is a LONG shift! The whole day just dragged on like a never ending day! Ugh! But, when the day was over, I got in my car, sped home, finished all homework and played some piano. Which I still need a name for. Chelsea, Madie and I are trying to come up with a name. So far, the top names are Raven, or Josephine. Don't ask! Haha. 
   TODAY, I went to school, on time this time, and had a pretty relaxing day. I know I didn't do too well on my Gov't test, but I tried! I also had a Human Behavior test, the hour after 3rd... Where I deleted my effing rough draft of this entry ugh! Mike and I ended up getting in ANOTHER fight today... He made a comment about how I don't eat at all or something, then I lost it because it is completely NOT true, I eat whenever there's food within 50 feet of me! So, I bitched him out and ended up not talking to him again. I think it's going to be another one of those, "two-weekers" again. Ugh. 
   Well, tomorrow, Thursday, next Tuesday and Thursday, I have MEAPS! All the other grades get to come in for a lates start. No fair! Actually, it is fair, seeing as the past two years, I've been getting the late starts, haha! but whatever. After school today, Hillary and I went to Taco Bell! That was really fun! I love Hillary so much, seriously, she's like my best girl-friend. I met her in like 9th grade! And had a gay man crush on her. Aww! Then we walked over to the Shell station and Hillary got a Coffee/Cappuccino(sp). The man at the counter asked what it was... so, Hillary says "I um... Don't know..." So, I said, "It's an uhhh.... Cappucoffee...." And he looks at me and I just walked away, hahaha. So, then I dropped Ms.Hillary off, then went home to practice piano and then go on Myspace.. Oh yes... Madie and Chelsea convinced me to make a new one. UGH! Oh well. This one won't be out of control like the lasts. I won't be like, hooking up with people this time. Gross. I want to meet someone in PERSON! But, until next time, that has been my week! Thanks for tollerating this novel!

Much Love,
Ryan.

my black
piano
   Okay, it's Wednesday, everybody! You know what that means? It's PIANO Wednesday! Do you know what that means? That means my piano is getting delivered today between the hours of 3 and 6! Oh Em Jee, I am so excited! You've no idea! The only thing that sucks is that I only get to play it today, because I'm at my dad's for the rest of the week/weekend. Oh well. Nothing I can really control. I really don't want to work this weekend; I want to hang out with Madie and Chelsea, but I don't know how it will work out if I'm at my dad's. He's usually strict about the rules with the car. Who knows, maybe he'll be really generous and cool! Oh geez, I have to pee really badly. I'm in school, too! I hate that! And I don't go to the bathroom in school, so, I'm out of luck! Having to go pee makes the day go by longer. That means I have to wait longer for my piano! Ugh! The reason I'm writing right now is because I won't be on the computer at ALL tonight. I will be spending all time with my piano. I'm so pumped! I'll maybe have to dust my room today, I know my aunts and uncles might want to see it. And we don't want any dust on my piano, now do we? That would be terrible! I should have a name for it; seeing as I have a name for all of my major electronics. I'll have to think. In the meand time, I have to get going on my Bed And Breakfast!

Much Love,
Ryan.

this is just
a prologue
   Today was not bad. I worked from 12-430. It was easy. I had a few clean-ups today, but, who doens't like a few interruptions from work every now and then? Right! So, I'm so still stoked about how my piano is definitely getting here in three days... Eeek! I am just in a great mood about it. Oh, there is new boy at work. He's actually pretty cute... I don't know why... I wouldn't usually like a guy like that, but he's really not bad at all. He's got some piercings, but, not in weird places like his nose or anything; nothing excesive. But, after work, my mum and sister stopped buy so we could go grocery shopping. They brought me some clothes to change into. I wore my new jeans and an A&F hoodie. It took us about an hour to shop. When we payed for everything, we put it all in the car and I took the cart to the coral. On my way, I saw him. I was doing that fun thing with the cart, you know, when you run and then jump on the back of it and ride it? Well, I put it in the coral and almost ran into them. I liked it. I hope he did too ; ) Hehe. So, I bet he's probably like the most straight guy in the world, it's always my luck. But maybe one day my luck will turn around. I mean, I can try to see what he likes and stuff, you know? I could always talk to him at work. No problem! The problem is that I have no confidence and I am way too chicken to talk to people that I like. But maybe one day I'll just wake up with it all. Haha, whatever. I'm sure it's just something I'll have to work on now!

3 days!

Much Love,
Ryan.

nails for breakfast,
tacks for snacks
   I do love that song. I bought that album online the other day, at my dad's. So, I don't even know what to talk about right now. I'm a bit upset and just a bit confused with myself right now. So, yesterday, I had no school. I ended up going to Evola Music in Utica with my mum later and we ended up buying a digital piano. Finally! Well, it's not the colour I want, but, like my mum and the seller was saying, it's not about looks, because the piano we bought was about 5 times the instrument of anything that I would have wanted in black. Now, I could have bought this one in black, BUT... it's $2,000 more... So, I said whatever. It's not bad anyway, I mean, it's my first piano, it doesn't need to be extravagant. I can deal with this one until I'm ready to live alone and have my own the way I want it. Right? Right. So, it pretty much is the best digital piano ever. However, I don't get it until Wednesday. That's when they're going to deliver it and set it up. Less space in my room, but, it's something I really want. While we were in Evola Music, the seller was actually a pianist/teacher himself. He told me to sit down and play what I could. So, I showed him, which isn't that much, I've only played for 6 months so far. When he asked me how long I've been playing, I told him and apparently he was amazed because later, in the car, my mum told me that he talked to her in private and said that you can see the light in my eyes when I play, and that if I stick true to playing/learning piano, I will be a great pianist, very soon. That makes me feel VERY confident in the instrument. I really want to do well. I like to excell in things that I love. It's not always easy, you know? So, basically, that's all that's happened so far. Let's move on to today.
   So, after work, Courtney, Eric and I all planned to go to the mall. So, when I got off work, I went home and cleaned a bit. I wanted to make the house look nice for no good reason. Oh, by the by, if I didn't tell you, my grandparents are out of town for 2 weeks. They left last Tuesday for Arizona. But, okay, I went home, cleaned, called Courtney and we went to the mall. We shopped in Abercrombie and Fitch for a while. I found a nice shirt, but, it was more than I wanted to pay for. So, we went to American Eagle, where I bought some nice jeans. While we were standing in line to pay for my jeans, Courtney nudges me and says, "look behind you..." so, I waited for a minute and looked behind myself and saw a guy that I thought was very cute that got fired from Kroger. He's getting his job back, but he was there with his best friend. I only assume it's his best friend because he's #1 on his Myspace Top-8 Friends List. But, that was a supprise. After I payed for my holey jeans, I walked out and I saw Mike. (Here we go...) I decided to be nice and stop and introduce Court. So, I did. Then we all went to go look for shoes and then dashed to the food court so we could chow. While we were waiting for Mike to get his food, Eric called and he met us in the food court. I liked eating there, there was a group of gay men (yes, I'm sure..) And we stared at each other every now and then. Courtney had to leave, though. She had to get home, she was already in trouble for buying a new phone. (she broke her other, also new, one and didn't tell about it.) So, she had to get going. We hugged and she was off. There goes my fun : (. So, Mike, Eric and I went to A&F again - Eric needed to return his tuggers that he bought there, they were too small. So, Mike and I sat in the comfertable chairs and checked out the workers there. One of them walked past me and I smile at him, and he gave me one of those "how you doin'?" kind of looks. Hehe. So, then we left there so Eric could go get suit taylored. Where I saw the cutest gay couple and I just wanted to maul them because they actually held hands in public. It was so cute. I wish I had someone to do that with. Oh well. That's when I started to get a wee bit depressed. I got a call from my sister saying she needed the car, so, I drove myself home. Oh, yeah, I also got new sun glasses from PacSun. But, I got home, and Mike calls me telling me that...... [sigh] Eric asked for his screen name. : ( And it just made me sad. I guess you just have to know what's going on in my head to know why I was sad. 
   But, there is one crush I keep neglecting to tell you about. Madie and Chelsea pryed it out of me in Architecture on Thursday, but, I'm not telling you ; ) He is cute, though. Blondie. Tall. I know we look at each other. I think we both like it... I hope we both like it... Anyway, I'm probably getting my hopes up for nothing, seeing as I am too chicken to ask someone anything. I get so shy. I am so shy. It's not the cute shy, it's the ridiculous kind of shy. I hardly answer my phone kind of shy. So, I pretty much never get the people I want... I really just need to grow a pear and just ask someone out. Ugh. Well, I'm pretty much tired/sad/worn out. I need to get going to somehwhere. It's nice outside tonight, I should go on a walk.

Much Love,
Ryan.

way
away
   Okay, look who hasn't updated in almost a week? Me! I can't even remember what's happened all of last week. I just know that it was all some sort of blur. I do remember that I had a blast being at my dad's house again. It was fun riding the four-wheeler and going shopping at Target. It's nice to have a car that you can use every now and then so you can do the things you need to when you want to. I really like being over there. When I got home from work on Saturday I talked with my dad and Sylvia (step-mum) at the dinner table; they were telling me how they will buy my piano for me! Ahh! That excited me... BUT, what excited me even more was when my mummy called me yesterday and told me that she was going to buy me my piano... Possibly this or next week! Ahh! I am so excited, you don't even understand. It's going to fit perfectly in my room and everything. She made me want to cry, the way she kept saying it all. She was telling me about how she has payed for my sister's band things since she was in 6th grade, and all she's ever done for me was my gymnastics. She told me she wanted to do something for me for once and that I deserve ride. THEN, she told me that she's also going to pay for my piano lessons! All I have to do is make a commitement to pay for the piano payments each month. Which is probably like $100 a month. Which is totally manageable. I make like $79 a week at LEAST. I make like $120 usually. So, I could have a payment easily. SO, I was thinking that maybe I could save up money after I make my payments, and ONCE a month, I can go shopping for something. I might like, you know, save up for  mini shopping spree's for myself. Summer is coming up in a few months, I wanna be ready for that. I've also been try to work out each day and just better my appearance. I want to look amazing for the summer and actually look like something, or someone that somebody might actually want to date. Ugh, speaking of boys, Darren was telling me that my ex, Adam, just got a new boyfriend: Darren's old bf, Nick. Ugh! That is so weird for both of us! I don't know, it's just this huge gay community. Haha. So, life is kind of okay right now. I have to go break the news to my dad today about how my mum is going to get me the piano. I know he won't be happy about that. He's going to want to know where my mum got this money. But, I'll just tell him I don't know. Which is the truth. She told me not to worry about it and that everything is going to be fine, that she had everything taken care of. That makes me feel good. So, that's where the life of Ryan is right now. I really don't know what to say at this point, other than I have to get back to work! I need to start/finish my Bed&Breakfast for Architecture and work on Human Behavior homework that's due in a couple of hours!

Much Love,
Ryan.

your
deadly poison
   Okay, so, the past... Day was really nice, actually. I didn't have a bad day at all in school yesterday. After school, I took Hillary to CVS so that we could get her film developed. Then I went to her house for about an hour or so and ate so much food! Gah, she has so much food, I feel bad to eat it, but, I guess it's okay, they don't care at all. We played DDR and watch the end of Mr.3000. That was all fun. When I went home, I talked with my cousin, Deanna, and sister a bit. Then I did almost all of my homework. I didn't do my Brit. Lit, which is bad, I have a quiz in that class today on something I haven't read yet. I will skim it later. (that means I really won't.) I'm in 2nd hour right now, and have  Give Unto Me on repeat. I love this song so much. I'm not really listening to the words right now, just the piano. No offence, Amy! BUT... Listen to what happened yesterday...
   Well, after homework, I went online for a bit. My mum told me to help her with dinner, so, I set the table and such, and our bargain was that she has to call the piano place after I set the table, or after dinner. So, after dinner, I called my dad like I was supposed to. I'm all set in that department. I'm spending the night Wednesday and the weekend. I get to drive the Focus to work, yay! So, when I got off the phone with him, I went to go tell my mum and she was on the phone with the piano teacher! Yay! She got the info, and that info is: $20 for 45 minutes, once a week. I have an Interview on March 27th (She's on vaca right now), and she lives really close to my dad. I'm thinking that I might learn a little faster through the beginning areas, you know? Since I play a little. But, if she wants to take me through all of the beginning lessons slowly, I have no problem. There's nothing wrong in covering it all. She wants the interview to see if I like her kind of teaching because that will determine how I will cope with it all. I'm really hoping I like it, I don't want to go looking for another place. My cousins learned there, too. I might get to show her a little of what I know, too. Yay, show off! And my mum asked me, "What if she wants you to do recitles?" I told her I didn't care, I mean, I get nervous in front of crouds, but hey, I'm doing something I like, I won't be looking at them, and I'm not talking, so, it's all good. You're not supposed to look at the keys when you play usually, so, hopefully I can just close my eyes and play nicely. This makes me so excited. It's just too bad that it's a month away! But that leaves me time to save up for some money. I'm also really convincing my mum to let me get a piano. There is a digital one from Costco that I really want. I played it there, it was nice. It's $2,299, but hey, that's pretty good. I was thinking, maybe, I can do monthly payments. Like, my mum can write the checks and I can pay her for it. That would be so nice. I know just where to put the piano, too. Right under my window-sill is the perfect place. The sun sets there, it would be pretty to play in the summer time with my window open and watching the sun set, you know? Gosh, this really excites me. I cannot wait! I'm just hoping that costco would let me do something like monthly payments for it. I really want this. Besides, I only have keyboard, and that is probably not acceptable for practicing for the piano. Actually, it isn't acceptable at all, but, you take what you get, right? Right. So, I am going to talk my mum into helping me get the piano, hopefully sometime before lessons, so that I for sure have something to practice on. I mean, I could use my aunts, but, hers is extremely out of tune. And the piano I want is digital, so, it doesn't ever need tuning! Yay. I am just pleased as punch. Hehe. Okay, well, I've slacked off enough today, I should probably get back to work!

Much Love,
Ryan.